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Local Expert: A tutor offers advice to a frustrated parent
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Posted by superphonicstutor Mon Nov 8, 2004 07:05:00 PST
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0 responses 0 comments We could really use some guidance with our 12-year-old son, Jevon. He's a pretty good boy with an occasional bad attitude. His grades roller coaster from a few As, Bs, and Cs to a few Bs, more Cs and a couple of Ds. We've even seen a few Fs over the past couple of years.

The problem, we feel, is in managing time, priorities and homework, because when he gets his homework done his grades are up in the higher range. When he loses focus on time and gets an attitude, he misses homework assignments and his grades suffer accordingly. Sometimes he gets homework done without mention from either his father or myself. Other times we can't pull him away from the video games or TV to get started until it's too late and he's tired. I find myself nagging and he doesn't even seem to hear me.

What can we do to achieve consistency and raise his responsibility level? We encounter the same problems with his light chore list, showering and getting to bed early enough to be able to focus the next day at school.

Susan A. of Bakersfield

Dear Susan,

Because you say that Jevon's grades are on a roller coaster and the severe drops are occasional, it's likely a simple problem that can be handled almost overnight. That is, unless he is having trouble with the actual curriculum or homework assignment. If this is the true and he doesn't get help, it will lower his overall morale, which would explain the attitude problem and lack of responsibility in other areas of life. You need to find out if this is the case.

If, however, he can do the work and is not stuck or confused, it's simply a matter of self-discipline that lecturing and nagging will not achieve. Here's what will help if you are consistent and stay on your toes:

Make agreements with him for each area of concern. For example, rather than try to plan the week and get him to follow a self-disciplined plan, start with taking charge of each situation on a daily basis -- until he takes over himself. For example, if he is watching TV or playing a video game, turning off the TV or taking his game away will only leave him bitter. His focus will not willingly be on his homework, chores, shower or getting to bed. Fortunately, there is an easier solution that almost always works if you are consistent.

Tell Jevon that you don't like cutting him off suddenly from what he's doing to take care of homework and responsibilities. Let him know that he has a certain amount of recreational time and then he needs to move onto his homework, chores, etc.

This works because you are respecting his interests and time. He knows the game plan, but because he's not always attentive to the clock, your 10- or 15-minute notice will give him time to get accustomed to the idea of winding up what he's doing.

To make this strategy work even more effecively, pleasantly inform him when he has about two minutes left so he can really wrap up to his satisfaction.

This works a little differently for television, because stopping in the middle of a program probably won't sit well with him. So go with program timing. But success requires that you are on your toes and watch the time. Be consistent. If you forget, expect him to forget as well and discount the agreement next time.

With time, a simple nudge should be enough warning for him to stop and get onto his responsibilities. If you show trust that he will keep his part of the agreement, one day you will come to give him the two-minute notice and find he's already gotten started on the responsbile activities. Be careful not to make a sarcastic remark, like, "Well I don't believe it!" Just smile and tell him he's wonderful.

Respect for your child and a solid agreement will go a long way in instilling responsibility and encouraging respect for you as a parent.

Northwest resident and KFI-tutor Tracy Sherwood has tutored for 30 years and is the author of Superphonics. Call1-888-534-8886, go to www.superphonics.com or e-mail superphonics@earthlink.net.

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