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A Day in the Life: The Christmas Letter
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Anonymous user Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
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2 responses 1 comment Don’t you just hate getting generic Christmas letters? Of course, I’m referring to those letters that are just too good to be true. You know what I’m talking about –– those "Father Knows Best"/"Little House on the Prairie" letters that are more creative writing than newsy, and the second you begin reading it sets that old gag reflex in motion.

What is it, a competition to make families feel superior? I mean, really, wouldn’t we all like to have a child who is a member of the House of Representatives, or is premed? Well, it’s never going to happen. If that was the case, then they wouldn’t have cancelled “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous.”

I realize I’m probably going to be ostracized and some of our friends and family may get back at me by writing a “Joey Dearest” letter, but here goes.
 
The Perfect Letter

Dearest Family and Friends,
 
Greetings on this wonderful holiday morning! As I look out on the pristine, snow-covered neighborhood, I realize just how truly fortunate we are.

This year has been momentous. I finally received that advanced degree I’ve been pursuing. Now, I can enter the working world with a little more clout. My goal, of course, is in the business world. Keep your fingers crossed!

George has taken a sabbatical in order to work on his novel. I expect Oprah will be having him on her show any day now. This summer, George and I took a cruise. There was never a dull moment and I know we’d go back in a minute. This quality time underscored the reasons we’re together.

Because the children are nearly grown, we had, what will probably be, our last true family trip. Having all of us together in the Lexis brought back so many fond memories. We all decided to spend Thanksgiving visiting the girls’ grandmother. We didn’t get to see enough of Grandma, but the time we had together was wonderful. And, who can forget that fantastic meal at the country club? I’ll just leave the details to your imagination.

Our dear, sweet girls never fail to make us proud. Here are the highlights of the past year:
Katie graduated with honors from college and is now a chemist. She also just became engaged to someone in the medical profession. We had never thought we’d have a “doctor” in the family. Lucky us!

Emily, our little over-achiever, was the first to make us grandparents. And it seems like yesterday that she was in kindergarten! Her new son looks just like his father. Now we can say our lives have truly come full circle.

Laurie, dear, dear Laurie. What can I say, but our family artist has done it again! Her paintings have been displayed downtown. I guess you can see she’s a local celebrity. With the attention she’s been getting, I imagine her work will be making headlines for years to come.

Well, dear friends, as I bring this letter to a close, I reflect on how dear you all are to us.
 
Happy Holidays!
Sharon, George, and Family
 
The Real Letter
 
Ho, Ho, Ho, and all that stuff!

We’re snowed in again! The snowplow never comes into the trailer park so we just have to live with it.

What a year this has been! Well, one good thing happened to me. I finally got that G.E.D. certificate. Now I hope Wal-Mart will hire me as a checker.

That no-count husband of mine has lost another job. Lazy bum sits all day working crossword puzzles. I wrote to Montel, asking him to help find George a job, but so far I haven’t heard a thing.

That couple’s retreat that everybody was talking about was a waste of time. I told Preacher Ryan it was a mistake to send us, but George said, “Why not? It’s a free ferry ride to Catalina Island.” George and I haven’t spent this much time together in a long time, now I know why. So much for the couple’s retreat!

This Thanksgiving we crammed the family into the old Dodge van and set out for the prison to see Grandma. She was lucky to get second degree murder, so she’ll be up for parole in three years. You know, I warned Grandpa not to mess with that woman down at the Bingo hall. He wouldn’t stop, and look what it cost him. Oh yeah, the prison served a Thanksgiving dinner for all the families. It was real nice. The meat even tasted like real turkey.

Here’s what our girls have been up to:
Our Katie graduated first in her class at the beauty college. (I guess she takes after my side of the family) She got hired at the Cut ‘N Curl and spends her day mixing different colors of hair dye. Not only is she working, but Katie found herself a man. Billy works nights cleaning up at the hospital.

Well, we’re finally Grandpa and Grandma. I don’t know if I like the thought of being called "Granny," but our Emily is such a good mother. We only hope that little Louie will outgrow his father’s big ears.

Will our Laurie ever learn? Since she found new friends, she’s been downtown spray painting almost every night. She even got herself jailed for tagging the new museum. That sure got her picture on the front page! Come to think of it, Laurie is the first one in our family to make the headlines.

Well, I need to close. "General Hospital" is about to start and I haven’t missed it since Luke and Laura got married.
 
Merry Christmas,
The Maxwell Clan
 
So, now that you’ve read both letters, I’d like you to keep in mind that my family would fall somewhere in between the two. I don’t come from a cream cheese family and our year doesn’t read like a Hallmark card. Don’t worry, I’m not sending out Christmas letters this year, but what I would like to say is this: Like most families, we’ve had our share of trials, but they are far outweighed by the blessings we’ve received.

Merry Christmas,
Joe Tomasi

Meet Your Neighborhood Contributor
Name: Stephen "Joe" Tomasi   
Age: 55
Occupation: "Retired history teacher of 33 years. Presently a freelance
writer (working on several Great American Novels) and a couch ornament."
Hobbies: "I don't really think of it as a hobby, but writing consumes the
majority of my time. As I have been selling my work I've come to look on it
as an occupation. I read quite a lot, in several different genres. I oil
paint and water color –– just about anything creative. I like to keep busy
and always have a project. We're still restoring an old house and that eats
into my time (move over HGTV)."
What have you submitted to The Northwest Voice? "Quite a bit actually. I have
submitted a number of articles under the heading 'A Day in the Life,' which
are about day-to-day living with a humorous slant. Laughter is good for the
soul. If you'd rather not laugh, watch the news."
Why do you contribute to the paper? "I love writing and The Northwest Voice
offers a tremendous opportunity for me to explore different types of
writing. The staff of the Voice are very supportive, and frankly, I just
like working with them."
What kind of feedback do you get? "I get e-mails from people all of the time.
I have also been able to reconnect with old friends, former neighbors,
former students and former teachers who read the paper. That is a special
bonus. I actually got a freelance writing assignment because an editor read
something I'd written in the Voice. While I'm not ready for the red carpet,
I have been recognized in public as 'that guy who writes for the Voice.' I'm
still getting used to that."
Why should other people contribute? "Not only is the Voice a great
opportunity to express yourself, but it is a unique experiment which
requires community support to be successful. This is real news about real
people we know –– a grassroots paper."

“Meet Your Neighborhood Contributor” is a way for you, or readers, to get to
know the people submit stories and take pictures on a volunteer basis for
the Voice. Our community contributors both make the news and write the news!
If they do it, so can you. The more content the better! To submit, go to
www.northwestvoice.com, click the “Share Your Voice” icon and follow the
easy steps from there.
 

 
 

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Comment From: dougkess

Joe that was darn funny. I almost dropped my Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can when Laurie read it for me. We got one of them letters from cousin Luke two years ago. Since then, we been crossing out their names and sendin' it out as ours. Thanks for the laughs. Doug