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Please silence your cellular telephone now
Topics: cell phones, movies, courtesy, manners, etiquette
Posted by admin Tue Nov 30, 1999 00:00:00 PST
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0 responses 0 comments While I have nothing against Harry Potter in general, I must say I’m not particularly enamored by either the books or the movie franchise. My wife, on the other hand, is quite the devotee, and as such has requested that I join her and her friends, Jan and Jerry, for a double-date to view the latest film installment of the saga, to be followed by dinner at a restaurant to be determined by group consensus. Having managed 23 years of wedded bliss, and fast approaching our 24th anniversary, I know what’s good for me and immediately responded in the affirmative.

Picking up my wife, Patty, immediately after work, we rendezvoused with Jan and Jerry at the Edwards cineplex and quickly found premium seats in a near-empty theater for the 4 p.m. showing.

While feeling dead tired, following a tedious day of having high school students suck the life out of me, the film fortunately proved sufficiently interesting to keep me awake. This is important, as falling asleep during a movie your spouse finds fascinating is not the best of strategies to ensure continued domestic happiness.

All went well up until the climactic scene near the film’s end, which was rudely interrupted by the always-annoying cell phone conversation. Apparently, the three reminders to “Please silence your cellular telephone now” had not made an impression upon this offender who, as is the tradition, was speaking into his telephone at twice the volume of an ordinary face-to-face conversation.

The audience began their objections to this interruption with scattered and subtle “Ahems,” which — having no effect — were quickly followed by the more emphatic “Quiet!” and continued with shouts of “Shut up!” — this last bit in which I joined with gusto.

These admonitions to cease and desist had no effect whatsoever on the offender, who had ducked into an exit corridor, but  — while hidden from view — was inadvisably facing the theatre interior, allowing the corridor to act as a megaphone to his inane conversation.

In was at this juncture that an unexpected appearance by a previously unknown Action Girl took place.

She strode purposely across the theatre to the exit corridor and disappeared from our view.  Almost immediately we heard an angry male voice shouting, “You ****! Get your hands off me! Who do you think you are, the district attorney!?!” — and next saw the woman reeling back into view, having being forcibly shoved by the irate cellphone user.

At this point it was incumbent upon me to switch from my mild-mannered identity of Mr. Wonderly, social studies teacher, to that of Action Boy.  Jumping up from my seat, I rushed down the flight of stairs, across the theatre to the exit, and turned into the exit corridor to face the offender. This individual would be a casting director’s dream come true for role of a veteran bar bouncer or as roadie for the Rolling Stones. Outweighing my 162 pounds easily by 100 pounds, this particular specimen likewise towered over my 5 feet, 8 inch frame by some 6 inches or so.
This realization did not register in my mind, however, until I had barked out — in a loud and authoritarian tone — “Back off, man! Take it outside!”

What happened next defied all logic, personal expectation, or known historical experience. Making no reply, the brute lowered his cellphone, turned on his heel, and vanished down the hallway leading out of the building. While it is possible that my forceful demeanor and wild-eyed look resulted in his retreat, it is all the more likely that — dressed as I was in my workday outfit of white shirt and dress slacks — he simply believed me to be the cineplex manager and decided that discretion was the better part of valor.

As ever, being Action Boy — or in this case Action Girl — means you may afterward bask in the admiration of those who appreciate your determination to stand up for law, order, justice and the  American Way, yet you likewise always risk a punch in the nose while in action.

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