The Northwest Voice

By: Dean Novak, Morning Show Host 101.5 KGFM

By the end of this column, you’ll either see me as a selfish jerk, as a guy who’s simply done pretending, or you’ll see yourself.

When I was a little kid, I just assumed that my family would always go to Grandma’s on Christmas Eve, and then have Christmas morning at our own house — just like we had always done. We lived close by, and it worked out great for everyone. It never occurred to me that my grandparents would age and become so infirm that they wouldn’t even decorate for the holidays anymore. It didn’t register that Christmas would change. At that young age, it was all about me and I gave no thought to holidays ever being different. Yet for some reason, at some point my parents stopped taking me to Grandma’s for the holiday. This just so happens to be the year that my wife and I stop taking our kids there ourselves.

Our decision to “stay home” wasn’t reached overnight, and it’s not simply the result of traveling hassles.  Answer honestly, do you know anyone who has an ideal family? You know, the whole thing — loving parents who are still married, grandparents, 1.5 perfect kids, and a dog. A family where there’s no creepy uncle? I could go on about a good job, a well-kept house, and so on, but you get the idea. I don’t know of such a family either.

All families have their quirks.  As a matter of fact, the older I get, the clearer my own family’s become. This is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just that the little family who raised me up has gained in-laws, stepfathers, current-love-interests, and it’s become impossible to have things as they once were, or as others think they should be. This is not an exercise in cynicism, but instead the reason I give for finally changing my nuclear family’s Christmas traditions, and for celebrating the holidays in “our” home.

Maybe more explanation is needed. This year it all came apart for me and my extended family. I have not handled it well, yet I’m not apologetic. My dad died last spring and nothing has been the same since. In his life, I never thought of him as the glue that held us together, but he may have been just that. He fell and suffered a severe brain injury 12 years ago at his job as an iron worker, and it took him this long to die.

It’s taken me these many years to accept that life is short, ever-changing, and not fair. I don’t know if it’s temporary, but I have lost the will to pretend for the benefit of others. Every family has their history, and you don’t want to hear about mine. But the sum of it is that I have one sister I’m cool with, another that no longer has a brother, and a mother I can’t seem to forgive. With only myself left to disappoint, I’ve lost some of my filters, and I do things differently than I used to. I no longer avoid the aunt that, because of some long-ago fight, we’re not supposed to talk to. I no longer pretend that I don’t mind driving 500 miles with my usually sick little kids on those cold December nights. 

We can’t pull off the Norman Rockwell version of the holidays. Everything is not fine, and I’m okay with that. This Christmas, we will miss them, but things have changed.

On one hand,  I see myself as the most selfish person in the world, as someone who’s not willing to do a little annual driving and put a face on for the sake of family. For all our flaws, we are, after all, family. Who am I to extract myself? What about the kids?

On the other hand,  I know people who have either done this, or wish they had the nerve to. Maybe it’s just the evolution of traditions through time.  At what point did your parents change your family’s traditions? When will you? How liberating would it be not to have to suffer your jerk father-in-law simply because he sired your spouse?  It would be quite a different holiday experience without any exposure to him, wouldn’t it?  Would you give him the time of day if he weren’t family?

This has been a tough year on my family, and we’re looking forward to a better 2007. It may not sound like it, but I really do like the holiday season. And I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy your family and friends — those that you choose to spend your precious time with. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.