Let's Laugh: The Northwest Voice

Let's Laugh - And Clean the Bathroom

A friend whined to me the other day that she is sure that manufacturers of cleaning supplies do not want people over 50 to clean their houses! Intrigued, I dug a little deeper into her latest tirade. Could that be possible? Is it good or bad?

Possible? Yes. She said this sad fact slapped her in the face the other day when she bought a new brand of toilet bowl cleaner. She was drawn to it because in bold red letters on the outside of the plastic container it said, “POWERToilet BowlCleaner.”In big white letters on a green background it blared, “WITH BLEACH.” In red and white it said, “Kills Germs, Brightens as it Cleans.”

She said in little bitty letters there were the usual warnings about not drinking it, don’t put it on your pancakes, forget about using it for a coffee creamer, don’t inhale it and don’t mix with other cleaners. We agreed that after 40 years of cleaning house, we were pretty much up on those warnings but laughed and conceded that in today’s world there might be those who would try to make toilet bowl cleaner an item that can multi-task.

She said the fun really started when she decided to clean the master bath. She described holding it over the toilet bowl and squeezing it. Nothing happened. She realized she should probably read the directions on how to open it. Based on past experience with a medicine bottle that she literally murdered, she was very glad to see there were “easy to follow instructions.”

She whined some more and said, “In letters the size of flea feet I read the following: Do not squeeze bottle. To open child resistant cap, hold bottle firmly with one hand on a flat surface. With other hand squeeze sides of cap where symbols indicate and turn counter-clockwise. To close, turn clockwise.” She said she got lost at “with other hand.”

Also in very small letters, the user was advised, “this product is harmful to humans and domestic animals.”

In other words, don’t feed it to your dog and keep your children away from it. She wondered aloud who would feed toilet bowl cleaner to a dog. Both of us agreed that people with small children should know to keep all cleaners locked in a cabinet where a child cannot get them.

She complained bitterly, “Most of us over 40 wear reading glasses but there is a limit to how much good they do when you have to read the flea feet font.”

So come on, retailers, give us some instructions on bottles of cleaning supplies that we can read without a magnifying glass and a flashlight. It seems to me that if instructions can be printed in as many as six languages, they might as well up the font size a notch. Give those flea feet a rest!

Thanks bunches.

Let's Laugh - About Personal Telephone Conversations in Public Places

There were probably 20 people in the waiting room when I took a friend to the doctor last week. It was very quiet. Doctor’s office visits can be nerve wracking just waiting for the unknown, whether it’s a test or test results. Besides that, it was hot outside and the air conditioning was a nice respite after walking across the parking lot. The room was understandably subdued. It was 104 outside and 75 inside!

The silence was interrupted by a very loud, “Hello.”

Everyone looked up at the same time at the same person. She didn’t even see us. Her “bug in her ear” rang. She became engrossed in what must have been a very important conversation, otherwise why would she answer it in a room full of people?

Her conversation was easily heard throughout the waiting room. We were a captive audience and it didn’t sound all that important to me – but I guess we all have a different idea of what’s important. Most of us returned to our book or magazine.

“Oh, I’m at the doctor’s office,” she said. “What are you doing?”

Silence

Then, “You’re kidding! I thought you were going to do that yesterday!”

Silence

“Well, as long as you get it put in the fridge in your garage. You know how Bob is about that. If his beer isn’t cold, he turns into a mad man. You know that! He has appeared in our kitchen unannounced and asked Jerry for a cold beer! Do not forget to put his beer in the fridge!” (Much laughing!)

Silence

“OK. Let’s do lunch one day this week. I’ll call you when I get home. We’re neighbors and we never see each other! I will call you for sure! Bye.”

Bug apparently rings again. (The ring is silent but the “hello” isn’t.)

“Hello. Oh, I’m waiting at the doctor’s office. What are you doing?”

Silence

“Oh, really? I have never used cheaptickets.com. I use that one William Shatner advertises. I can’t think of the name right now but I’ll call you when it comes to my mind. When are you guys leaving?”

My friend’s name was called. When we walked past her I said, “It’s Priceline.com. Tell your neighbor.”

She looked clueless and said, “It just came to me. It’s Priceline.com.”

Let's Laugh: I'm home ... Look at the moon

Having recently returned from a family reunion, I find lots to laugh about. But, there is not as much to laugh about as there is to think about.

My brothers and their families, and me and mine, met at a resort in Minnesota for the first time in many years. We fished, swam, canoed, kayaked, golfed, sunned and broke bread together. Indeed, it was delightful.

In my family, there are two brothers and one sister (that would be me). Between the three of us we have eight living children. My oldest brother lost his youngest child in 2000 to cancer. He was only 35. It was sad and changed the landscape of the family.

Between the eight surviving children there are 18 living grandchildren. My brothers recently celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversaries. Three sets of parents, now deceased, also celebrated 50 years.. There have been four divorces and some new engagements and marriages. We are a typical American family. We’ve pretty much seen it all.

We consider ourselves totally blessed that we could get together, introduce our children’s children to one another and laugh, play cards, and carry on. In today’s world, we all live so far apart that sometimes our children don’t even meet their cousins. This was indeed a special event. Our children’s children met their second and third cousins.

We celebrated life, we mourned the loss of parents and a child, and we felt compelled to look at one another and indeed count our blessings. We discovered our common interests and we reveled in the accomplishments of our children and grandchildren. We, though unspoken, realized our mortality. We hope to be here five years from now but we realize there are no guarantees.

We laughed but I can’t explain it. It might not be funny to others. We cried, and that again, might not be sad to others. But we do know, from what we read and hear, that we may be a “typical American family.” We laugh together and we cry together. The only thing I can say is I hope, I really hope, that the large majority of American families, no matter what their circumstances, can laugh together and cry together.

My brother’s granddaughter had to leave early. She sent a text message to her grandmother. It said, “I’m home; Look at the moon.” We all looked at the moon and agreed that we are indeed a family who “looks at the same moon.” We believe that families will survive. We believe we all see the same moon.

Let's Laugh: Do Kids Ever Grow Up?

I have news for all of you parents out there. Kids never grow up. Sorry to break it this way but I have first-hand experience.

My son, who is over 40, comes home to roost every once in a while. He works all over the world. He doesn’t sit still very often. But when he decides to sit still, he comes home.

The last time he was here he decided rather than doing nothing other than floating in the pool, he would do some things I needed done. He asked for a list. I jumped at the chance.

Clean out the gutters (they haven’t been cleaned out in about eight years):

He got the hose and a ladder and started in. It rains so little here that they don’t get much chance to do what they are supposed to do. Mine were actually filled with dirt. “Hey mom, throw some grass seed up here. You can have one of those roofs they have in Scandinavian countries.”

I didn’t find him too funny and told him to keep hosing. A lot of dirt came flying out. So did some rocks and pieces of bird nest, bird feathers and some odd looking bunches of bad looking stuff!

When he finished there were piles of dirt that washed out of the gutters. Disgusting looking piles of dirt. Guess who had to clean ‘em up?

2. Paint that old metal chairs in the back yard so I can make it a decorative item and put some flowers in it:

He spray-painted it in my garage (thank God he pulled the car out!). The chair looked great. The garage floor looked like bad modern art. “Is this what you wanted, mom?” (Yes, but I didn’t expect the garage floor to be so weird looking! He apparently didn’t notice the huge stack of nearby drop cloths.) Guess who has concrete paint on the list for her next trip to Home Depot? Guess what will be on HIS list the next time he comes home to roost?

Barbeque some steak for dinner Saturday night: (I never barbeque. I usually just put some chicken on the George Foreman. Good old George!)

So he barbequed. Steak. Lots of steak. Eight people were coming for dinner. He made enough steak for the local fire department (which I thought I would need when he lit the coals!). Afterwards, there were splotches of grease on the pool deck, a dirty meat fork on my favorite patio chair and steak sauce on my brand new roses! Guess who cleaned all that up?

So it’s true, no matter how hard you try to help them grow up and be responsible, when they come home to roost for a few days, they turn into your “kids” again. You cannot tell them anything anymore (if you ever could!). They know how to “do stuff.” Their pattern is set. Part of it is your fault! You raised ‘em after all! You just have to “savor the moment” and clean up afterwards!

Let's Laugh: About Camera Intersections

A recent phenomenon in the world of law enforcement is the red light camera at busy intersections. I have to admit that I was highly intimidated by one that was installed at an intersection I drive through every day. When it first appeared, I didn’t know whether to smile and drive like a maniac, hit the brakes and freak out the driver behind me or take a chance and drive through like I knew precisely what I was doing. I chose the latter but take a deep breath every time I approach the intersection.

I saw some statistics on wrecks that occurred before and after installation of the cameras. It was broken down into rear-end events and “other.” Rear end events increased. That’s because the average driver is not going to take a chance on a mug shot by a camera mounted on a steel post. The result is something like a $300 ticket. Most of us don’t want to risk getting that little missile in the mail so we err on the side of caution and actually slow down and stop when the light is yellow! That’s a new concept for a lot of drivers. Hence, rear-end accidents.

I have a better idea. Put up a sign, a huge sign, right next to the lights that is programmed to say one of the following, depending on the timing of the light:

1) Drive like mad and you’ll make it.

2) If you don’t slow down and stop now the post will take your picture and it will be a $300 picture.

3) Check your rearview mirror. If someone is on your tail, gun it!

Granted, you would have to be able to read, think and drive at the same time. This could be particularly difficult for those who are in the middle of an important cell phone conversation. Another sign might read, “Ditch the cell phone dude, or you’ll wish you would have.” Messages should be in “txt msg tlk.” If you don’t know what that means, ask around. Evryn ndr 25 wl no.

Let's Laugh: Or should we?

As one experiences more in life (i.e. gets old) you either just stop living or you try to “fix things” that seem out of whack in the big scheme of things. I’m afraid I am a “wannabe” fixer.

I went to see the movie “Juno” the other day. The actress who played the lead (Juno, who had a little sister named Liberty Bell) was nominated for an Academy Award. I like good acting and I like a good story. In one review, it was advertised as a “light-hearted look at teenage pregnancy.”

That’s one of the reasons I went to the movie. I wanted to see how teenage pregnancy could be interpreted as “lighthearted.” As Juno advanced in her pregnancy she became introspective. Her teenage boyfriend, however, continued to participate in school activities. I will credit the teenage father with being totally amazed when Juno introduced him to the baby’s heartbeat. That scene was a show stopper.

Juno, with supportive parents, endured the pregnancy and decided to let a worthy set of parents adopt her baby. Seems that along the way, this worthy couple had marital problems, the prospective adoptive father became “in lust” with Juno and decided to leave his wife. Juno is shocked by this turn of events but finally decides that the worthy mother can still adopt her baby and she finds a way to tell the “worthy father” that she certainly is not interested in him. In fact she said to him, “You’re OLD!” He was probably about 35.

In the end, the important character (the baby) has a nice home with a loving, single mother, the teenage couple seem to still like each other and perhaps will be dating again - that depends on how you interpret the end of the movie.

I was not entertained by this movie. Is it lighthearted to see a young girl buy her third pregnancy test strip and hear the pharmacist say, “If it’s still positive, I think you might be ‘prego’ sweetheart.” Is it lighthearted and entertaining to see a 16-year-old child waddling around 8 ½ months pregnant? Do we feel all warm and fuzzy watching a 16 year old give birth?

Academy Award performance or not, there must better vehicles for “Juno” to display her many acting skills. You might not be laughing at this column! I guess it’s not really that funny. Or is it and am I way out of touch?

Let's Laugh: Can I Write a Best Seller?

Millions of writers dream of the day when their book will be best seller. I faithfully read the Sunday “National Best Sellers” list to see what the public is buying.

Non-fiction is my favorite genre. Learning how people stumble through life is fascinating. I like to write about people I’ve known and situations that have occurred that are either dramatic or funny or warm and tender.

On last week’s non-fiction “best seller” list was “Losing It” by Valerie Bertinelli. For $26.00 you can read what it is like to be the former wife of Eddie Van Halen with a focus on depression and efforts to lose weight. Man, could I ever write a book about that but unfortunately, I was never married to a rock star. I guess the general public would not be interested in the ups and downs in the life of a “wannabe writer of a best seller.”

Also on the list was “Storie Telling” by Tori Spelling with Hilary Liftin. Clever title. Her memoirs growing up in Hollywood as well as the birth of her son apparently fascinated the reading public. You can buy it for $23.95. I could write something like, “Growing up on a farm in Oregon and Giving Birth to two Children in California” but I bet no one would buy it. Not interested you say? Would you read it if I were Caroline Kennedy or Caroline of Monaco?

“In Defense of Food,” by Michael Pollan made the coveted list too. That sounds like something I could sink my teeth into (no pun intended) and $21.95 isn’t bad! It is described as a manifesto that urges us to “Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.” Personally, I am not crazy about the idea of eating plants. But, hey, if I could write a book that tells people to eat mostly plants and sell it for $21.95, I’d be a plant person.

I’m not a TV actress who has been married to a rock star. Most of my friends know I haven’t lost a bunch of weight. I haven’t been featured in the tabloids fighting over the family fortune. If that’s what it takes, I probably won’t make the best seller list! But, guess what? Along with millions of others, I’ll keep trying!

My Christmas list? A poinsettia and a cordless screwdriver, please

I bought a cordless screwdriver some years ago and could hardly put it down! Everything in the house was screwed in, tightened down and updated. I bought new towel racks and put them in. I fixed an old bicycle and even changed out all the hardware on the cupboards. Talk about fun! Of course I had to charge the blasted thing twice a day but for a klutz like me, that is much better than tripping over an extension cord!

During my early cordless screwdriver days, the kids came over for dinner. My son-in-law always waited for dinner in a comfy chair I have that used to kind of bounce when you sat in it. It bounced no more! After asking for a heating pad for his dislocated back, he asked me what in the name of heaven I had done to that chair. I explained about the cordless screwdriver, apologized, gave him some aspirin and a heating pad and said I’d fix the chair “tomorrow.”

Tomorrow came and I still felt bad about that chair and the discomfort it caused my son-in-law. First on my list of things to do was to fix the chair. I knew if I expected him to continue coming to my house for dinner, I had better loosen up that chair’s rocking mechanism!

I went out to my tool drawer in the garage and couldn’t find the cordless screwdriver. Where could I have put it? Actually, I found the thingy that you put the screwdriver part into and I found the charger but I couldn’t find the part that you have to have in order for it to do what it is intended to do. It had a Phillips head and a regular head and I loved that thing! Where could I have put it?

I started cleaning out cupboards. I found a battery operated hedge trimmer that I had to have one year. The novelty wore off pretty fast when I found out it was actually work, even though it was “automatic.” I thought maybe I should try it again. I couldn’t find its charger! The charger to the screwdriver didn’t work. I tried.

I cleaned out a couple more cupboards and drawers and found millions of old pens and pencils, a couple of nails the size of a telephone pole (why did I have those?) and miles of picture wire! I think I intended to frame and hang some water colors my mother did years ago but I probably went out and bought the cordless screwdriver that day and just shoved the picture hanging stuff under something somewhere. I do that. I bet you do too! If you are retired and have time to go around tightening up or redoing everything that doesn’t bark, meow or tweet, you know what I mean.

I’m still pretty worried about my son-in-law. Worried enough that I am asking for a new cordless screwdriver for Christmas. I’d like them to unwrap it before they give it to me so I don’t have to fight with the plastic. I am asking for just one more chance to do what a retired mother-in-law should do – cook dinner and make everyone feel all cozy and loved at least once a year at Christmas!

Let's Laugh: About opening Christmas presents

Christmas is right around the corner! I received a lot of really nice gifts for Christmas last year. I am still trying to get some of them open!

My granddaughter gave me a new curling iron. It was in a plastic box in a plastic box. I borrowed my son-in-law’s pocketknife to try to open it but it wasn’t sharp enough. I grabbed the kitchen scissors out of the sink but they had turkey skin on them so I gave that up for the moment (Why didn’t I rinse those scissors off? Yuk!).

After trying to open the curling iron and giving up, I unwrapped “The Devil Wears Prada.” It was on my “wish” list. We agreed to watch it after presents were all opened. The movie was in a box that normally holds 10 reams of paper so I wouldn’t guess what it was. Inside that box were several other boxes, some bricks and a bunch of old magazines! Way down inside I found the movie. Yay! I love that movie! We set it aside to watch later.

I gave my grandson a box of “army men.” He loves coming over to my house and playing with what seems like thousands of army men that he keeps in a box in the den. This Christmas gift added another very large platoon to an already large enough army to take over the world. We had to go out to the garage to get a hammer to loosen the lid and then inside the plastic box (that we almost broke) were a bunch of soldiers wrapped in yet another layer of plastic and foam. He, being a determined little kid, kept us entertained for about an hour while he managed to rescue his army men from their packing. I now have army men all over the house — little bitty army men that the vacuum cleaner doesn’t like!

When it was time to settle back and watch the movie my granddaughter opened the outside wrapping. Then she took the cellophane off the next layer of what I guess is protection from theft and slit some things on all four sides with her fingernails... then she opened the final packaging. She tried to get it out to slip it into the DVD player and there was some kind of a snap thingy that held it in the packaging! She became totally frustrated and stomped off to the bathroom to try her new lipstick.

No one else wanted to watch the movie bad enough to wrestle with the snap thingy so we put on a CD of some beautiful Christmas music (opened the year before), lit the fireplace, had a cup of steamy hot chocolate and let the army men attack. We agreed to watch “The Devil Wears Prada” when we have the patience to wiggle the snap thingy until it releases the “Devil.” Listening to the Three Tenors was probably a better decision anyhow. It calmed our nerves and made opening Christmas presents not so bad after all!

But this year, all I want is a nice poinsettia to put on the coffee table! Nothing wrapped — please!

Let's Laugh: About

President Bush celebrated his 61st birthday this year. His physical and mental condition were reported to be in the top 1 percent of people in that age bracket. That's good considering he's the President of the United States and will remain so for another year.

I'm a nut about reading articles and "how to" books about aging but they seem to stop at 60. Every once in a while I see an article called something like, "How to wear makeup into the later years. It stops at 60. An article on exercise gave a fitness routine for "those approaching 60." I spotted the cover of a popular women's magazine that blared, "How to dress into the mature years. I thought, "Ahaaa, now I can figure out what in the world to put on this constantly changing body." It stopped dressing women at 60. One of these days I am going to wander the streets of Bakersfield in my birthday suit without makeup. That ought to remind people that there is life after 60! To say nothing of inspiring a new country western song! Buck, where are you when we need you?

One of my favorite TV programs is "What Not to Wear" (on The Learning Channel). I keep waiting for them to include someone over 60. I have a feeling it is going to be a long wait! Apparently the only people they think should dress fashionably are women under 35 or 40. I've never seen a gray hair or a wrinkle on any of their "victim" — to say nothing of a few extra pounds!

My whole family is generally supportive, in spite of my advancing years. They seem to be getting more and more polite to me the older I get. It would be OK with me if sometime they'd say, "Mom, you're nuttier than a fruitcake. Stop worrying about the unimportant things you rant and rave about and just love us and hang out with us!" That should be said when I carry on about how the gray is overtaking the brown, how I wish I wouldn't have laughed so much and earned so many "laugh lines," or when I can't zip up last year's jeans!

The most therapeutic behavior at any age is to get out of yourself and do something! Read the calendar and upcoming events in local publications. And younger readers, don't pity old people. Old is a state of mind. So is young. A good "state of mind" is somewhere between young and old, depending on the situation! I'd rather be my age than repeat some of the mistakes I made when I was young. On the other hand, if only we could "go around twice" and do it right the second time...but so far I haven't met anyone who is on a second trip through life!

There must be clothes and makeup for women over 60 — I guess you just have to look in the right places. And don't worry about "laugh lines." They speak volumes! Good volumes. New York Times Best Seller List volumes!

Let's Laugh: First day of kindergarten

When my daughter started kindergarten I was excited but at the same time felt sad about her first step out of my direct care. I cried for a week and then started to enjoy home for half a day with just one child.

She was very enthused about school and it was fun to hear her stories when she came home! I was convinced I had a female Einstein to nurture.

The teacher called me after the first round of tests and said that she indeed, was very intelligent and I should expect some unique questions from her inquiring mind. She said that together we would make sure that she stayed busy and challenged. My buttons were bursting!

Most mothers in the 60s were stay-at-home moms. Women were tentatively entering the full-time work world. I had excellent typing skills so I worked at home typing letters and reports for various businesses and school papers for college students (this was before PCs). When kindergarten started, I had a job typing a doctoral thesis for a local professor who was earning his PhD in education. It was very interesting and informative. I couldn’t wait until my three year old took his nap so I could work on the thesis.

One day when the professor brought some new material over, he asked me how my daughter was doing in kindergarten. My eyes lit up and my face beamed with pride. I explained to him that her test results were way above average. He was excited and said he’d really like to meet her some day.

“Some day” happened the next week when he brought me some new work and corrections from the previous week. As we were talking, I heard something scratching at the front door. I opened the door and there, on all fours, was my exceptionally bright daughter. As soon as she saw me she started barking.

I urged her to come in and stand up and meet the professor. She wagged her “tail” and stuck her tongue out, taking deep breaths like a thirsty dog, and looked up at him from her place on the floor and smiled. She even scratched at his pant leg! When he reached down to “pet” her she barked.

He asked, “Is this your daughter?”

I wanted to say, “No, it’s a neighbor child that I watch after school,” but I was foiled when my 3-year-old son came bounding out of his room and yelled “Sissy!”

Sensing my embarrassment, the good professor said, “Sometimes children get so involved in their pretending that they can’t be coaxed out of it until they are ready.”

He finally left and said he’d see me next week. The minute he was out the door, I grabbed that sweet little bright child and said, “Will you stand up for pity sake! What are you doing?

She resisted all attempts I made to get her to stand on two feet. In fact, she continued to bark at me. In between barks, she told me that the teacher had said they could be whatever they wanted to be until tomorrow morning when school started again. My budding genius wanted to be a “thirsty dog.” She apparently got that idea because her job was to keep the dog’s water bowl full so he didn’t get thirsty.

When she left for school the next day I reminded her to listen to her teacher and try to do her schoolwork on time. She barked, wagged her tail and headed up the street with the rest of the neighborhood school children. I noticed her best friend was hopping, wearing rabbit ears and eating a carrot!

Let's Laugh: About Going to the Dentist

I went to the dentist the other day. Everyone should go to the dentist on a hot, Bakersfield summer day! I’m sitting in this chair with dozens of metal things hanging down in front of my face, moving around like trapeze artists at the circus. The assistant comes in. She says, “I am going to prepare your mouth so the doctor can work on that problem tooth and remove the bridge.”

“Oh, dear God,” I am thinking. “I don’t remember them saying anything about removing a bridge. Do I cry now or later? Do I get up and walk out?”

I did not walk out. The x-ray they took the last time I was there was up and running on a screen – I couldn’t miss it. I remembered suddenly that indeed, they did say they had to remove a bridge. It just sounds so awful! That bridge and I have been friends for about 20 years! How can they possibly take it away from me?

The assistant is now leaning over me. She has a mask on and stuffs some foreign material in my mouth that tastes like a very odd flavor of jell-o and makes me feel as though I might be slowly choked to death! Meanwhile, she asks, “How is your day going?”

Good grief! Don’t they teach them in dental school that if you are at the dentist your day is not going all that well? I have never figured that out. I HATE being asked how my day is going by a masked bandit when my mouth is filled with stuff that has an unidentifiable taste and feels like what I used to gag over when I was changing diapers.

Here comes the dentist. I take one look at him and figure he is just a high school kid, here to “observe” dentistry. He looks much younger than my own son. Frankly, he IS much younger than my own son! Suddenly he snaps a mask around his face and leans over to inspect the problem area. I dared to open my eyes. He was not only wearing a mask but he had some glasses on that looked like miniature binoculars. I was totally spooked!

Before I had a chance to object, he said, “This may sting a little.”

That brought me back to reality! Something that has been sitting in my mouth for 20 years has got to “sting a little” when it’s taken out! I let him use that mile long needle as much as he wanted and I totally ignored the miniature binoculars. I was just thankful he could see what he was doing. Again, he said, “Are we doing ok?” Let’s hope he is doing ok because I think my life is in his hands!

Suddenly I felt as though my mouth was filled with cotton and my beloved bridge was gone! Just a “little sting” and it’s gone! More goop was put in my mouth, more masked people were leaning over me, machines were buzzing and snapping and rubber gloved hands (four of them at last count) were scouring around in my mouth trying to make an imprint for a temporary bridge! I survived!! Life is good!

Good dental care is absolutely essential to good health. I just wish they could make it a little more fun. Why must it be in a room surrounded by masked people carrying needles and bridge removers! Why can’t it be under a sun lamp, with music that sounds like ocean waves and a nice breeze blowing through the window? Maybe even an occasional sea gull calling its sea gull friends. THAT would make my day! When the hygienist asks “How are we doing today” I would peer out from behind my designer sunglasses, slather on the sun screen and say, “Never been better! I LOVE it here!”

Let's Laugh: About grandparenting

One of the nicest things about living in the same town as your grandchildren is you can see them almost as often as you want. It is such fun to watch them learn and grow and be excited about school and life in general! I meet my grandson once a week after school and bring him to my house. I really cherish this time because I have a feeling in a few years he’ll have so many after school activities that I’ll have to make an appointment with him!

When he was three he didn’t talk much. I suggested to my daughter that maybe a visit to a speech therapist was in order. I honestly wondered if he would ever talk.

“Mom,” she said, in an all-knowing, I know more about motherhood voice than you do, “He’ll be fine. He’s a boy. Boys don’t talk as early as girls.”

Hmmm? I raised a boy. He talked early and often.

There comes a time in life when mothers are not in charge anymore especially of their grandchildren, their mothers are in charge! This would be your daughter or daughter-in-law! Besides that, you don’t even want to be in charge. If you’ve “been there and done that” you know what I mean.

So, I waited for him to talk. Three months after his third birthday he started in and hasn’t stopped since. When I pick him up after school all it takes is two questions. “How was your day today?" and "What was the best part?”

“Grammy, I had the best day today it was really good the teacher told me I was smart and she asked me to read to the class and I did and one of the girls made a funny face but I read anyhow because I like to read and besides that it was a funny story and I like funny stories and I like my teacher and she likes me and besides that if we read a lot we get rewards and sometimes we even get cookies before recess if someone’s mom brings some and today someone’s mom did so we had cookies after reading and then we went out and played.”

For some strange reason, I always hold my breath the entire time he tells these stories! By the time he finished this one there was a real possibility that I would pass out at the wheel! He stopped in the nick of time.

When we got to my house, we had a snack and that brought on another story!

“Grammy, I like coming to your house because it is quiet and my sister doesn’t bug me but even when she does it’s OK because it gets me in practice for the kids at school who bug me and when they bug me I say the same thing to them that I say to my sister and then they stomp off like she does and go bug someone else so it’s a good thing she bugs me all the time because then I know how to act when those things happen at school and Grammy, I like coming to your house because you make me waffles and I really, really like waffles!”

OK, Okay!

They are frozen waffles, but he doesn’t know what homemade waffles are anyhow, As far as he knows, waffles always come out of a box in the freezer! I’m sure he has no clue what a waffle iron is. Does anyone?

I can find my keys if I can find my glasses

The good news about losing your keys is if you are in the house, those keys have to be in there somewhere!

There is absolutely nothing good about losing your glasses.

I went to a meeting not long ago and one of the women present announced that she has a pair of glasses at about six places in and out of her house. She keeps a pair at her bedside, one by the chair she sits in to read, one by the television and even in the kitchen junk drawer so she can read a recipe if the spirit moves her to cook. She keeps them all over the place. She claimed to always have glasses handy and never wastes time looking for them. Brilliant idea! I ran right out and bought myself a bunch of drugstore reading glasses. Now I have glasses all over the house and even some outside.

I have not, however, solved the irritation of occasional lost keys. A lot of things can happen after you take the keys out of the ignition and before you unlock the door. I’ve been known to lose an entire set of keys in the few steps it takes to get from the car to the door. But I just cannot bring myself to keep extra keys outside. Word has it that clever burglars can sniff out hidden keys anywhere!

I came home the other day and when I drove into the garage, my cell phone rang. The car door was half open when I answered it. It was a grandchild who needed a ride home from school.

“Just a minute,” I said, “I have to find my keys.” I heard an exasperated sigh and she said, “Grammy, I thought you just got home! How could you lose your keys this soon?”

“Well, the phone rang,” I said, enjoying blaming her for my misfortune.

Dead silence. Long sigh. Then, “Grammy, can you come and get me or not?”

I looked under my purse on the passenger seat and there were my keys!

“Yes, yes,” I screamed with glee! “I can come and get you! Be right there! Found my keys!”

When I picked her up I didn’t have my glasses on. She looked at me kind of funny and said, “Grammy, how come you aren’t wearing your glasses? I thought you had to wear them if you were driving.”

“No, I don’t have to wear them if I’m driving. I can see distances just fine.” I think she sensed my annoyance because she “harrumphed” really loud like only a teenage girl can!

She asked me to take her home to change and then take her to the gym so she could work out. I told her first we had to run by my house and pick up a pair of glasses so I could read my list when I stopped at the grocery store.

I grabbed my new pair of “front porch glasses” and turned them into a new pair of “car glasses.” I dashed back out to the car to take her home to change clothes. Reaching for the ignition, I realized I didn’t have my keys!

She giggled and said, “Grammy, are you looking for your keys?” (She seems to take some sort of wicked delight in watching me look for things!)

“Yes. Have you seen them?”

She handed me the keys and begged me to get an extra set. Brilliant thought. Lord knows I don’t need any more glasses! Except to replace the “front porch glasses” that just turned into “car glasses!”

Let's Laugh: Can you compete with Angelina Jolie?

I lounged in my comfy chair watching the Golden Globes. I wore my orange $7.99 t-shirt from Target over worn out brown sweat pants. This would be in contrast with the “dove gray strapless organza gown” that Mrs. Brad Pitt wore as she pouted her way down the red carpet. She didn’t smile as much as I would if I could go places with Brad Pitt!

Everyone who appeared on camera probably spent 14 hours in hair, makeup and wardrobe before the show. I spent five minutes in the bathroom brushing my hair and holding the skin back from my jaw to see what I would look like with a facelift. I wasn’t sure if the pain would be worth it so I plopped down on the sofa to watch the parade of beautiful people.

It amazes me that people know more about some actors than they do about George Washington, Lewis and Clark, Christopher Columbus or their own mother! They know the plots of more movies than they do about the lives of Poe, Michelangelo, Bach or Gandhi. This is not to be critical. We should all learn as much as we can about what we are really interested in. If it’s movie stars, hey, go for it!

All of us like to know something about someone famous! It comes in handy when we want to make small talk. We can quickly run through “Birthdays Today” in the newspaper and find out how old various actors are. Not that anyone cares, but I do happen to know that one very famous movie star and I are exactly the same age. I used to be proud of that fact until I told my daughter and some of her friends. They got this “deer in the headlights” look and then laughed, loud and long! Well, for pity sake, I don’t go to hair and makeup and haven’t had all that many personal trainers and certainly haven’t gone under the knife, so there!

For the Oscars, I’ll wear my old black satin party pants and a sparkly white shirt with fitted waist. I bought it at a discount store one year because it was such a good buy! I have never worn it! Maybe I’ll feel dressed for the occasion and not so jealous of those beautiful people! I suppose I should smear on a little lip gloss too. I refuse to wear false eyelashes! It would be just my luck to go to sleep and have them fall out on the sofa. I would wake up and think they were spiders. The commotion from that would wake the dead. Not only that, I would have totally messed up my makeup and drooled on my sparkly white blouse! About now, Brad Pitt would be thanking his lucky stars that I don’t go places with him – not that he has ever asked! Or ever will!!