I saw one again the other day, a special report on one of my cable channels about aliens.  Not the illegal type, the ones from outer space.  There’s such a fascination with the possibility of extra-terrestrial life.  You know, I don’t really care if aliens are out there or not.  I mean, sure, it would be cool, but it really wouldn’t change my life a whole lot.  It would make one heck of headline in the newspaper though: ALIENS LAND ON CAPITOL HILL... FIND NO SIGNS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE.

     You see I’ve been in the news business much of my life.  If aliens are out there fine, I just need one little thing before I believe in them... it’s called proof.  Show me the spaceship.  Oh, I forgot, the government is hiding it from us.  Now you can believe in government conspiracies all you want.  I’m sure the government is hiding all sorts of stuff from us.  That’s nothing new.  And yes there have been numerous UFO sightings, and scores of reports of alien abductions, and of course there’s Roswell.  But I’ve done a little rough figuring.  If just a small fraction of all those reports are true, there must be one heck of an extra-terrestrial traffic jam out there.  Where are all those space guys coming from?\

     You see I don’t look at it from our point of view.  I look at it from their point of view.  If little light bulb headed people from the planet Zargon are buzzing our planet and abducting unsuspecting farmers from the middle of a cornfield, and they have the technology to travel a bazillion miles to get here, they would certainly have the ability to monitor our communications.  So… they must know that they are the hottest things since Star Trek, and they would be as welcome on any lawn in the country as the Publisher’s Clearing House people.  They could finance their return trip home by selling their story to Hollywood.  They could go on Oprah and explain how they didn’t mean to scare the bejeebies out of all those people they beamed up to the Mother Ship.  They could go on Letterman... TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE SMALL BODIED... BIG HEADED ALIENS FINALLY SHOWED THEMSELVES TO EARTHLINGS... Number Ten... They wanted to repudiate the claim that James Carville was one of them.  They could land anywhere, except maybe a military base, and we would roll out the red carpet.

     It just doesn’t make any sense that after all that traveling all they’re doing is inter-galactic drive-bys.  I’m quite sure if they were here they would land.  It would be like my wife seeing a big sale at a local department store.  She drives to the mall, but instead of going in, she just drives around.  Oh, sure occasionally she would abduct an unsuspecting shopper to find out what it’s like inside the mall, but she wouldn’t actually go in the mall herself.  I DON’T THINK SO!!!

     Hey aliens... if you’re out there... you can land on my lawn and knock on my door anytime.  In fact, you can help us out... we have this Sasquatch-Loch Ness-Leprechaun thing we’re really trying to work out.