I agree with you completely.  You are teaching your daughter that money/things do not make up the person.  Rather; what they do with them is most important.  I experienced a similar dilemma last year.  My daughter is in Band in Jr. High.  Her brilliant teacher co-opted all the students into the "sell worthless items, that no one but family will buy" to lower the expense of a end of year trip to 6 flags.  I didn't want her canvassing the neighborhood, knocking on strangers doors, nor did I want her relatives to feel obligated to buy this worthless junk (wrapping paper, cards, fruit, cookie dough, fudge).  I called her teacher and told him that I did not want her involved in this extra-curricular activity.  He told me that if I didn't  "want" my daughter to "participate", she could still go on the trip; but the cost would be $410.00 instead of the the $200-$300 it would be if she went out and sold.  I told him that she wouldn't be doing either. 

Yes; she was VERY upset.  Yes; I was told how mean, cheap and how much I embarrassed her.  It hurt, but she got over it.  I wish schools would put a stop to using kids as traveling salesmen. 

Hating to play devil's advocate, but I know several parents who are willing to pay high prices for their daughters' formal dresses, and it's not to buy their love.  These parents make oodles and gobs of money, and for them, purchasing a $400 dress affects their income like someone of more modest means spending $40 on a dress.  These girls treat their parents just fine -- they may be spoiled monetarily, but they don't act spoiled.  They wear name brand clothing because their parents are loaded.  Period.

Love is not at issue here.

I don't think we should judge parenting by how much money parents are willing to spend on a formal dress.  Some people have bigger incomes, live in bigger houses, drive bigger cars, go on awesome vacations, and money is no object.  They live a lifestyle where it's normal to spend $100 on jeans.  I don't, so I obviously don't spend $400 on a formal dress. 

Personally, I am of the opinion that special things should be saved for age-appropriate times in a girl's life; other people can afford luxuries now and don't consider waiting until later in life.  That's their own deal... but I don't fault them for it.  If they can afford to spend their money like that, then go for it.  Down the road, it may or may not work out for their children, but only time will tell.

For the record, I was prepared to spend around $75 for my daughter's formal dress, hoping that would be enough.  She found one for $24.99, and it was GORGEOUS, and no one else at the formal had it.  My son's basic tux rental was $125.00, though, but you never hear anyone complaining about that.  Good thing my daughter's dress was so inexpensive.

~dana

Wow $400.00 for a dress.  I'm getting married in a few months and my wedding dress didn't cost that much.  I disagree with the view of "if the parents make the money the kids should spend it"  Just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean you should give your kids everything.  They appreciate nothing if you do.  They get a sence of "entitlement."  Plus they are never happy with what they have right now because they are always looking for the next thing. It's a form of child abuse in my opinion if you give your kids everything they want. 

                       -Brooke

Again, I think it's more of a situation where parents who make more spend more.  They take bigger vacations, as I said before, drive more expensive cars, and they spend more money on clothes.  I know a lot of wealthy families who are raising loving, smart, community-oriented, law abiding children... and the $400 dress didn't ruin them.  However, I do work in a school district full of low income families, who can't afford those expensive dresses, and it doesn't make those kids appreciate anything more. 

Of course there are extremes on both sides.  But, a person who can afford to spend $40 on a dress isn't necessarily raising a more appreciative child.  Conversely, a person who can afford to spend $400 isn't necessarily raising a self-centered jerk with a sense of entitlement. 

It seems that the only way to make everyone happy is for people with large incomes to resist the urge to buy the $400 dresses.  That won't happen.  But let's resist the urge to judge them for it. 

Instead, why not teach your child that some people make more money and can afford more expensive purchases.  Period.  That method has worked in my household for 17 years.  My children accept it and move on.  No drama.

Just a couple of points:

First let me state that our household income is well above the average.  This is often the main reason my daughter complains about what her friends are getting because she knows we could easily afford the $400 dress, the nice car, expensive vacations and an elaborate house.  We choose not to. 

Second, my point was that children need to understand the value of money--whether they have much or a little.  Since kids learn from what they see, it would be nice if some parents would set a better example. 

Lastly, I have managed dozens of individuals within the past 15 years of my career.  It has been my observation that often the employees that have a poor work ethic &/or an attitude of entitlement have come from homes where the value of money was not taught. 

The best compliment I have received as of late was when my 18 year old's boss told me that my daughter had the best work ethic she had ever observed from a young person.