Dear Confused husband,

I feel your pain my friend, I feel your pain.  This is a problem every married man faces from time to time.  It boils down to the differences between men and women.  Men like to fix things and move on to the next problem, while women like to talk things through until they resolve it in their minds.  Think back, your wife probably never asked you to fix it for her, she just wanted to talk about it in an effort to get it off her chest.  Women seldom want men to fix things in their emotional lives, just thing like the car, the plumbing, and so forth.  What you should do is help her think this problem through.  Ask questions along the way to help her talk about it.  Tell her you will support her in whatever decision she makes.   So go out and buy her some flowers, and when you two are alone together give her your time and listen.  We were born with two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk.  
 

Good luck,
Dad
 

Dear readers, have a question or a comment?  Click on the "Hey, Dad" icon on the northwestvoice.com web page and become a part of the North West Voice family.  You can remain anonymous if you would like.  I hope to hear from you soon.

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Hey Dad,

My dad died two years ago and I miss him a lot.  I never really knew how much I loved him until he was gone.  I could always count on his wisdom anytime I wanted.  Now I have a problem with my wife of 5 years and I don’t know who to talk to, so I hope you can help me.  My dear wife is having problems at her job.  One of her co-workers is spreading rumors and lies about her.  I tried to tell her what to do but she and I ended up in a big fight.  How can I get her to take my advice to resolve this problem?  

Confused husband

 

Dear Protective,

You are correct that violence is not the answer, but sometimes it is the only option left.  You need to teach your son to stand up for himself.  This is what I suggest you do.  Contact the parents of the boy that is bothering your son.  Ask them to talk to their son and try to get him to stop bothering your son.  If that fails to bring peace, then go to the principal and tell him or her about the problem.  Advise the principal of your talk with the parents and that if the violence against your son doesn’t stop, you are giving your son the right to defend himself.  I remember when I was a boy there were two neighbor boys who wanted to beat me up for no reason.  My mom stepped in and said, “All right, if you want to fight, then you will do it right here in my front yard so I can make sure it is a fair fight.”  I had just gotten over being sick with rheumatic fever so I was not strong enough to fight, so my little brother stepped up and cleaned their clocks!  We all became friends after that and I never had a problem with them again.  In fact, when I confronted other bullies in my lifetime, the result was always the same.  They all ended up respecting me and we became friends.  I hope you get the same results.

 

Dear readers, have a question or a comment?  Click on the "Hey, Dad" icon on the northwestvoice.com web page and become a part of the North West Voice family.  You can remain anonymous if you would like.  I hope to hear from you soon.

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis. 

Hey Dad,

My son came home from school today and told me he is being picked on and was punched by another boy in his class.  I have always taught my kids that violence is not the answer, but I am loosing my patience with this bully.  I have talked with the teacher, but she says she can’t watch them every second of the day.  I don’t want my son hurt anymore, but what else can I do?

Protective Mom

Dear Upset Girlfriend,

A long distance relationship is hard to maintain.  It takes a solid foundation (time spent together) for it to survive both distance and time, otherwise you end up with a pen pal.  I gather both of you are locked into your jobs or locations, and being near each other is not possible at this time. 

Your boyfriend’s lack of communication could be because he is busy, or he is losing interest in this long distance relationship. You need to talk to him and ask him how he feels about you.  Tell him how you feel and what you need from him so you feel loved and secure in this relationship.  Guys are not eager to discuss their feelings so this could be hard.  If you want this relationship to grow, one of you needs to move closer or use up a ton of frequent flyer miles.  Otherwise you are both wasting your time.  

You deserve to be happy and enjoy a lasting relationship.  I am just not sure this guy in this situation is a good combination.  Matters of the heart are always difficult, I wish you the best and hope you find love and happiness. 

Take care,

Dad
 

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Dear Almost Loony,

ODD, that is a new one for me.  Back in my day, a strong father figure would have been in order, but something tells me you need to look deeper. Talk to your son’s pediatrician about this behavior problem. He may have some physical or chemical imbalance issues.  I also recommend the following books, Dare to Discipline and Love Must Be Tough, both by Dr. James Dobson, and Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.  

The Internet is great for information.  In my search I found the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry and Web MD.  Read what they have to say, go to: www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children _with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

And also read www.webmd.com/mental-health/oppositional-defiant- disorder.  

Someone once said this about children, “It is Us against Them.”  Don’t give up and give in to him.  Stay focused, and don’t give meaningless warnings.  I see parents all the time giving children “until the count of 10” to stop doing something.  That just tells the kid he has 9 more counts before you may, or may not, make him stop.  Be prepared to leave the game, the store, or wherever you are to return home if he misbehaves.  Constancy is the key.  He needs to know that you will act if his behavior doesn’t change.  I wish you the best; you are a caring parent.

Dad

Dear Dad,

I have a five year old that can be the sweetest thing and turn around and grow horns right before my eyes.  He was diagnosed ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder).  Before I had him, I would have called a child like him spoiled rotten in need of a ROD.  We have tried the ROD, time outs, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, you name it-we've tried it.  Yet, he continues to be head strong and overly defiant (at times it is better).  The main problem is he generally does this in social situations. 

A perfect example is, we were at a Dodger game and he proceeded to disagree with what I asked him to do.  I asked him once again and he said "NO".  I was getting ready to take him to the bathroom and take care of the situation when the problem got even worse.  A man in front of us turned around and asked "Is that your mother?  You need to listen to her."  He proceeded to yell in the gentleman's face "Be quite!".  I took him to the restroom and talked, prayed, and paddled.  Do you have any other suggestions or strategies to help us all.  I love him dearly but he is going to drive me loony.

Please HELP, Almost Loony 

Dear Feeling Hopeless,

Don’t give up yet, there is help out there. A quick check of the AT&T Yellow Pages found 4 listings under Counseling Services. You should also try the Asgard Counseling Center and the Kern County Mental Health Services. Contact some local churches to see if they offer couseling. The "Big Brothers" group might be able to help as well. I also recommend the following books, Dare to Discipline and Love Must Be Tough, both by Dr. James Dobson, as well as Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman.

If you don’t mind, just a few helpful pointers. Set reasonable boundaries, don’t back down or let your son intimidate you. Children will always push to see where the boundaries are and if you keep changing them, they will continue to push even harder. Are there any uncles or other male figures that your son respects? If so, perhaps they can help out. I can tell you love your children very much, so please keep trying to find help.

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Hi, I have ran across your advice column looking for some parent support groups . I have 2 teenagers one son one daughter and a 9yr old son. I have had so many issues this yr with mostly my oldest son that it would take me all nite. Drugs and lots of behavior problems. I would love some help finding a parent support group or even some parenting classes . I really need any help I can get. Thank you , feeling hopeless

Thank you Dana,  that was very nice of you.  I know you made your Dad very proud.  I love helping people and "Hey, Dad" is a fun way to do it.  Thanks you so much for making it happen.  Have a great week.

Dad

Happy Father's Day, Dad.  :)  My own dad is gone... so I will wish you a happy day.  Thank you for all the good advice.

~D.

Dear Confused,

This is really going to date me, but when I was a teenager in the 60’s, I remember there was a big fuss about long hair on boys.  Every young man wanted long hair like the Beatles and other rock stars of the day.  But you know what, we all survived it.  What you described is called “sagging” and it is the current fashion fad.  Sagging got started in our prison system thanks to ill-fitting prison clothing.  Belts were not allowed because lifeless bodies were often found hanging from them.  It is unfortunate that young men choose to model themselves after prison inmates and “gansta” rap artists instead of famous athletes, or other upstanding role models. Some boys need to feel accepted by their peers and this is one way they can achieve it.  Perhaps if you discuss with your son how sagging got started, maybe he will change his attitude. Don’t go to war over it because eventually the pants will go up as he enters the work force or goes off to college.  Love your son, support him, and try to look past the sagging pants.  Your relationship with your son is more important than any debate about fashion.

Take care,

Dad

“Hey, Dad” is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.

Hey Dad,

My oldest son came home today wearing his pants halfway down his butt.  Needless to say we got into a big argument about it.  My son says that all the guys do it.  I told him it looks tacky but he insists it makes him look cool.  What would you suggest I do about it?  Is this a battle worth fighting?

Call me Confused.

Dear Troubled Mom,

A good marriage has to be built upon respect for it to last.  Respect must be earned and maintained.  When someone makes a mistake, we have to allow that person the opportunity to rebuild that respect for the relationship to recover.  It takes time and, if needed, some counseling.  I spent several hours on the phone trying to find a parent support group for you and to my surprise, I could only find one.  But one may be all it takes.  Please contact the Asgard Counseling Center at 661-205-1522.  Their address is in the phone book. You said you didn’t prefer a church group, but if the Asgard Counseling Center doesn’t work out for you, please reconsider a local church group.  Your kids are worth exploring every option that you have.  

Good luck,

Dad

"Hey, Dad," is written by contributing columnist Dwayne Ardis.